Now a lot of you don't know this,
but I'm a really good singer.
People often ask me how I sing so well.
The answer is borderline obvious,
but I give it nonetheless:
facial hair. Carefully groomed.
When I trim this beard, I sing.
I hum. I do some orating.
I'm not shaping hair, really,
I'm shaping tone.
A beard attenuates the voice's
harsher qualities, which travel
along the cheeks, as is well documented
I go at it like a Bonsai master.
"Some… where over the rainbow…"
That's what you'll hear from my bathroom
of a Saturday morning.
"Way… up… high..."
The beard smooths,
it softens, it makes your voice
like a blanket.
People just want to wrap
themselves up in it.
I'm talking about your Barry Whites,
your Bobby McFerrins, your Ronnie Drews,
your ZZ Tops, your Ray LaMontagnes,
your Cat Stevenses, your Pavarottis...
and your early Kings of Leon.
This isn't just off the top of my head.
These are prepared words
based on careful research.
I'm talking about the dulcet tones
of the Australian comedy-rock musical
juggernaut known as The Beards.
I'm sorry for hitting you so hard
in your unprotected faces
with this barrage of evidence.
I'm just passionate.
I'm a very passionate person.
(And a really good singer.)